Absolve Me Page 10

  Maybe it was the wine; maybe it was the implied intimacy of his voice in her ear, the night air dark and warm around her, but Liza stepped off the imaginary cliff. “Oh, hell. This is unprofessional as all get-out, but... I won’t be forgetting this either. This kind of chemistry is rare—believe me, it doesn’t happen often. Not in my personal or professional life. It’s blowing my objectivity, to be honest. You should know that, Dominic. We shouldn’t continue our sessions, because dammit—I want to. And that’s a huge problem.”

  Liza held her breath as she waited for Dominic to respond. Shit, shit, shit. But in for a penny, in for a pound. She’d asked for bare, naked truth from him. Didn’t she owe him the same?

  “I’m starting to understand that,” he said slowly. “So where does that leave us?”

  Hell if she knew. “Well, it sounds like you’re still struggling to come to a decision. How about this: we’ll have one more session, and it’s your chance to explore your ultimate fantasy. Give it one last hurrah to help you decide once and for all if it’s something you can live without.”

  “Oh, man. I thought I knew what I wanted to do, but now...it might be too much. I don’t know if I can tell you without you thinking less of me. And I’m finding that what you think really matters.”

  His words made her heart ache, just a little—a sweet twinge that left her both hopeful and nervous. She cleared her throat and shifted on the porch seat, folding her legs beneath her. “Oh, Dom. You know you’re safe with me, right? You’re an amazing man. You’re stronger and more self-aware than any man I’ve ever met, and I... I’d like you to know that, whatever you decide to do, I doubt I’ll ever meet anyone who moves me like you do. Nothing you can say will make me judge you badly. If this is the last experience you’re going to allow yourself, it should be one you’d always regret not doing.”

  His voice was thick with emotion. “Dammit, Liza. You humble me. I don’t know that I deserve your affection or your generosity of spirit, but if I’m to be worthy—of God, or of you—then I have to take this as far as it can go.”

  Liza couldn’t help but zero in on the hope his words held for her, and her pounding heart began to steady its erratic beat. “Tell me,” she whispered into the phone. “Tell me your most secret desire, your dirtiest, most shameful, most desperate fantasy. Let me give you that, at least.”

  His breathing had changed, deepened. “I guess it’s just hard to say out loud.”

  “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Okay. Okay, here goes. Most of my fantasies, no matter the scenario, involved women who wanted what I gave them—the spankings, the rough sex. But I had a dream, a dream I woke up from sweating and shaking and with my cock as hard as I’d ever been. It was bad. I...fucked a woman who didn’t want it, who told me to stop. But I didn’t. I raped her. And it got me off. God above—who does that?” His voice rose, and Liza could hear the panic he suffered.

  “Rape fantasies are among the most common fantasies people have—women and men. Overpowering someone and taking what you want, allowing yourself to be overpowered—it’s classic Psych 101. It doesn’t mean you’re a rapist, or that you only see women as sex objects. I promise. You aren’t a bad person or sexually abnormal.”

  “I’m a priest, for God’s sake. How can I have fantasies like that and continue to preach love and tolerance and kindness and respect?”

  “Weren’t you the one who told me priests were only human? You have to allow that you have human thoughts and feelings and dreams. Dreams, by the way, that may have nothing to do with sex at all.”

  “I suppose I get that in the abstract. But part of me—part of me...wants to find out.”

  “If that’s what you want the most—”

  “It’s what scares me the most. It’s what makes me question myself the most. So... I suppose it’s what I’m asking of you. Can we go there? Is that something you’re willing to do?”

  A rape fantasy, with herself as the unwilling victim...she shivered, goose bumps rising despite the syrupy air. “I promise you it’s not even remotely the weirdest thing I’ve been asked to do,” Liza said. If she had to pick, adult baby and diapering kinks were among her least favorite acts to perform with clients. So a straightforward rape fantasy was a walk in the park. “So, yes. We can play out a rape fantasy in any way you like.”

  “What’s the—No, no, I can’t ask you that. But damn, Liza, you live the most fascinating life.”

  She laughed. “Yes, yes, I do. Someday, I’d like to write a book. Without using names, of course. But the stories I can tell...some of them would blow the top of your head right off.”

  “You’ve already managed to do that a few times,” he murmured, and her breath caught.

  “Let’s take some time to prepare for this one,” she suggested. “Think about the circumstances surrounding the fantasy, and send me a few details so I can make it as authentic an experience for you as possible.”

  “And afterward?”

  “Afterward? I suppose it’ll be decision time.” Please, please, please. Let me find a way to help him make the right one.

  Even if the “right” decision was selfish on her part. It would break her fucking heart to watch him isolate himself back behind church doors. Dominic La Sera was passionate and erudite and hot enough to melt the polar icecaps. Liza was honest enough to know that she wanted him by her side, in her bed and on her arm. And if she read him right, he could perhaps envision himself in that role, as well.

  But ultimately, it would be his call. And it was the uncertainty that would keep her tossing and turning until she knew his answer.

  Chapter Ten

  “Auntie Liza!” Bella shrieked and flew at Liza as she walked into the community center on Saturday afternoon. “You came!”

  “Where else would I be on your birthday, kiddo?” Liza flipped Bella’s ponytail and handed her the bright gift bag.

  “Oooh, what’s in here?”

  “No peeking, Bells. And when do I get to sign your cast?”

  Bella held up the plaster wrapped in hot-pink tape. It was already covered in scribbles and doodles from her classmates, and as Bella led her through the central hall, she gave Liza a running commentary about who had signed her arm and with what. Liza was happy to see that even though her injury had kept Bella from her recent horse show, she was in great spirits and enjoying turning ten.

  “There you are!” Angie bounded up for a kiss and a hug, and admired the gift bag that Bella held up to show her. “I think that’s biggest one so far.”

  “My work here is done,” Liza said. “Is everyone out back?”

  “Oh, yes—the girls are racing between the pool, the bounce house, the pony and an impromptu tumbling competition on the lawn. Bella’s been really grown-up about not being able to show off her cartwheels and round-offs.”

  “As soon as I get my cast off, I’m gonna show them,” Bella said. “But for now I get to be the judge!” With that, she raced off to join her friends, and Angie steered Liza toward the community center’s kitchen.

  “Come with me. We’ve got the wine and margaritas hidden in the back. Fortunately, everything looks the same in a keg cup.”

  “God, thank you.”

  Angie slung an arm around her shoulders. “So, how’s it going with Mr. Best Sex Ever?”

  “C’mon, Ange—”

  “I know, I know, but I’ve spent the last week organizing a blowout birthday party with five other moms, and I need to talk about something other than cake styles and party favors.”

  Liza sighed. “We’ve got one more session. I’m sorta trying not to think about it.”

  “Okay, double shot of tequila it is.”

  “I love you. Just in case I forget to tell you that enough.”

  “You know I love you, too.” Just then, L
iza’s text notification went off, and even though she ignored her phone, Angie raised an eyebrow. “You gonna get that?”

  “No.”

  “It could be work.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of.” She pulled out her phone long enough to glance at her messenger app. Shit. It was Dominic.

  Seeing her hesitation, Angie laughed and rolled her eyes. “I’ll be out back when you’re ready. Just don’t take too long or you’re gonna be SOL on the margarita.”

  “I’ll be right out, I promise.” Leaning up against the counter, she tapped her screen until Dominic’s message came up. As soon as she started to read, her throat went dry.

  When I was young and dumb (and full of come; isn’t that the saying?), I was hot for this girl who grew up in my neighborhood. She was seventeen, all long tan legs and perky little tits, and she came from a normal, stable family. She was the classic good girl, flattered by the attention from one of the local bad boys, but nothing I did could convince her to go any farther than kissing and a little frantic groping during makeout sessions.

  Of course, I NEVER forced myself on her—there were plenty of girls who were happy to get down and dirty at the drop of a hat. But something about the idea of overriding her objections and taking what I wanted in the heat of the moment always stuck with me. It’s been jerk-off fodder over the years, but now—now I have a much more specific version of this fantasy. And it’s all about you.

  Holy shit was fast becoming her favorite oath where Dominic was concerned. Liza glanced around furtively, making sure none of the moms or kids were within range. She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks and she sure as hell didn’t want to have to explain why she was blushing so hard as she typed. Dominic’s revelation that he was fantasizing about her thrilled her to her core, and she grinned a silly little grin as she responded.

  All about me? Do tell.

  You and I are dating, having met through mutual friends. We’ve had a couple of public dates—dinner, art show—and now it’s the third date. We’re back at your place, having a drink, and I know tonight’s the night we’re going to have sex for the first time. You’re wearing a low-cut dress, and when you laugh, you press your hand to your chest and I can’t stop looking at your breasts.

  We’re drinking, and talking, and laughing, and the timing is right. When I lean in to kiss you, you kiss me back, and it’s hot and perfect and I can’t wait to feel your naked skin. But when I try to unhook your bra so I can play with your gorgeous tits, you stop me.

  You tell me you’ve been hurt before, that you want to make sure we go slow, but you’re still running your hands over my chest, and you lick your lips like you want to keep tasting me. It’s fucking hot, and I’m turned on as hell—and this one time, I’m not taking no for an answer.

  Liza shuddered. She could picture Dominic using his size and strength to hold her down, even if she struggled. Yeah, this was definitely working for her.

  I suppose I’d fight you, she typed. Maybe even try to scream for help.

  Oh hell yes, came the fast response. That would just make me harder and hotter. I might even have to tie you, gag you...then I could do whatever I wanted, and you’d be helpless to stop me, no matter what I did or said. Yes, I think I’d like to see that very much.

  Damn. This was really crossing her professional boundaries. Allowing herself to be incapacitated wasn’t something she’d normally allow, except with a very trusted partner. There was pretending to be out of control, and actually being out of control. Dominic was asking for more than she’d ever considered giving. But she couldn’t ignore the hot pulse of desire that threatened to burn from the inside out. One time, she thought. Just this one time. For this one singular man.

  Liza? Did I go too far?

  No, she typed before she could talk herself out of it. No, we can do this. Friday night? My place, around 9?

  Yes. Liza, I promise I won’t do anything to hurt you. And we have our safe words, remember?

  She couldn’t help but laugh. Way to throw that back at me, La Sera.

  Have I ever mentioned that my favorite color is green?

  So is mine. All right, enough. She typed, I need to go sing Happy Birthday to an awesome ten-year-old. I’ll see you on Friday—until then, DO NOT touch yourself. I’ll know if you do.

  I’ll take your orders—until Friday.

  Until Friday. Liza turned off her phone and shoved it into her purse. Now that she’d agreed to Dominic’s terms, the doubts began to creep in, and her stomach fluttered like she was on a roller coaster awaiting the first big drop.

  But she wouldn’t back out. If Dominic was going to make this the last sexual encounter of his life, she could make sure it was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Even if it might well be the best thing that would ever happen for her, as well.

  Wandering out onto the community center’s back patio, she spotted Angie standing near the pool and walked over, waving at Bella as she splashed around the shallow end with her friends, a black plastic bag taped over her cast.

  “Is there such a thing as a triple margarita?” she asked, pillowing her head onto Angie’s shoulder.

  “For you, baby, we’re gonna invent one.”

  Dear Susan,

  This is it—Dominic and I have one last session scheduled for this evening. One more chance to let him work through his fantasies and measure them against his desire to remain a priest.

  I’m going to give it my all. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I choose to believe our time together will make a difference and show him what it means to accept all the parts of himself. Thank you for trusting me—I can only hope I’ve had a positive impact on Dominic and that he makes the best possible choice for his future health and happiness.

  Wish us luck.

  —Liza

  Puttering around the kitchen, Liza stacked dishes and rearranged refrigerator items, lighting candles, double-checking that she’d emptied the trash. Dominic would arrive soon, and per their earlier arrangement, she intended to allow their scene to play out organically, as he’d alluded to in his texts. Her stomach fluttered with nerves, and she looked for something else to tidy to keep herself occupied until her doorbell rang.

  She hadn’t been this nervous about a session—or a date, for that matter—for as long as she could remember. The stakes were high for her professionally, sure, but she could admit that it was more than that. It was Dominic. It was what they were creating together. It was the knowledge that this experience would have to satisfy them both for a long time. Possibly forever.

  But she couldn’t think like that. Not now, not when any minute, the most incredible lover of her life (and her most challenging client) was going to walk in and expect her total commitment to her role. As nervous as she was that he’d choose to remain a priest, denying them both a shot at a special relationship, it wasn’t fair to Dominic to let fear take hold too soon. He was owed one last night, one way or the other. One last chance at a raunchy, dirty, boundary-crossing bout that would provide either deliverance or closure, depending on factors that were out of Liza’s control.

  So she forced herself to sit, relaxing her muscles and quieting her mind. She’d given herself plenty of time to shower and dress, and now, as the last of the evening light drained away from the windows, she closed her eyes and sank into the moment.

  It wasn’t hard to envision herself as a young, single woman smitten by the smart, attractive and funny guy she’d been on a couple of great dates with. She’d been burned in the past, and so she understood the desire to take it slow and not rush a good thing. Tonight, they’d talk, and laugh, and if it felt right, maybe make out like teenagers before exchanging a passionate, tender good-night kiss on her porch. Liza almost smiled, feeling the happy thud-thud of her heart as she pictured it.

  True to form, Domini
c knocked at just after nine, so Liza steadied herself a moment and went to greet him in character.

  “Dom,” she said, ushering him inside with a shy kiss on the cheek. “Please come in. It’s so good to see you.”

  He wore civilian clothes, reminding Liza of why he’d been able to conceal his profession so easily when they’d first met. His ready smile, combined with his casual jeans, T-shirt and light jacket, all combined to give him a rakish, knowing air, sort of like a cocky college professor. “You look beautiful, Liza.”

  “Thank you. Ah, you brought wine! How lovely.”

  “Not as lovely as you.”

  Liza laughed at the cheesy line, and Dominic smiled, raising his hand to brush back her hair where it slid across her temple.

  “Why don’t we go grab some glasses?”

  She towed him into the kitchen, where he watched her gather the wineglasses and corkscrew. “It’ll be cooler on the patio,” she said, and felt his eyes on her as she led him through the house.

  “How was your day?” he asked as they settled into the porch swing. He poured while Liza held the glasses steady.

  “Long. Especially since I couldn’t wait for tonight.” She looked at him sideways, letting her arm rest where her hand would brush his thigh when he moved. She took a long, lingering sip.

  “Tell me about it. I’ve been counting the days until I could see you again.”

  “For the record, flattery may well get you somewhere, especially if I keep drinking.”

  Dominic’s eyes glinted, and he raised the bottle once more. “In that case, allow me to top you off.”

  They continued to banter and drink, watching the night sky darken and stars begin to assert themselves in the sky. The air smelled like magnolia and Dominic’s skin, and Liza had to remind herself that tonight, she was the blushing, reserved ingénue, not the horny, sexually adventurous woman who wanted to toss her drink aside and wrap her bare legs around Dom’s face.

  Shit. The wine was really hitting her tonight.

  And by the look of it, Dominic wasn’t far behind. Lightweight. Guess priests don’t know how to hold their liquor. She had to stifle a snort, because explaining that one to Dominic would definitely be going off script.